The first few months ... "After the Airport" - September 1, 2014

Ah sweet September 1^st you are here.

I made it.

Give me a moment – I just want to look at that line and soak it in.  I. made. it.  …and it feels sooo good.

Today is my first day back to work full-time after a summer on adoption leave.

I wanted to blog about the last couple of months, because I have come to realize no one really talks about the stress that comes with adoption.  Sure it involves years of paperwork, tear-inducing deadlines and tens of thousands of dollars in many cases – but when that child comes home and the stress from the adjustment and transition hit – it’s HARD … and it’s OK to admit it’s not all sunshine and roses … I, for one, never once saw a rainbow or any unicorns.

My husband and I love our sons Henry and James with all our hearts.  James, our youngest, joined our family this summer when we adopted him in China June 8, 2014 … “Gotcha Day” as most people refer to it.

Before I share the past couple of months of my life, I want to list our accomplishments …

*James is now willing to leave my side

*He now goes to his father with open arms

*Both my boys will sit on my lap TOGETHER

*I no longer have to hold James down as he screams “Momma!” until he is hoarse.

 … and that “momma” he screamed for – wasn’t me.

*James now only gets up ONCE during the night, and has actually SLEPT THROUGH the night on occasion!

So.  This summer was hard … extremely hard.  … emotionally draining and sleep depriving.

Our son, James, turned two in April.  We met him and brought him home in June.  He had spent most of his life in a foster home – to him, his family.  Now, he had to go with these strangers he had never met, who didn’t look like anyone around him, didn’t eat the same foods, and who spoke in sounds which sound nothing like his native Mandarin language.

We brought home a son who wouldn’t go to his father, stayed awake most of the night, only to be consoled by me, and the worst - wouldn’t let my 5 year old son, Henry, get anywhere near me.  I felt isolated.  I was exhausted, and I had an overwhelming, intense desire to go back to the way it once was … when I could freely play in the backyard with Henry, or when we didn’t have to escape to the nearest park just so my 5 year old could sit on my lap without being pinched or shoved off.

After all the work I had done, all the paperwork and deadlines met … James was home!!  … and I began to doubt if our family would survive.

I wanted to wait to blog about this until I wasn’t so deep in the woods.  I’m not out yet … but I can finally form sentences again, smile, and see that light shining out there in the open field. (Heck, there might even be that elusive unicorn streaking rainbows across the sky out there)

A friend who had “gone before me “ – sent me this blog … http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport  … it’s about the hardships parents face once they are home with their newly adopted child.  My friend said it was hard to find blogs, or really anything in writing about the reality of the stress of adoption … that needs to end.

In the blog, the mom refers to it as “after the airport” … and man, does it hit hard.  Please know, if you find yourself deep in the stress of those first days after the airport … know this – it is NOT the “new normal.”  That time after your big welcome home from the airport is simply about survival.  Sure, a lucky few might see those rainbows and unicorns, but for those who don’t – it doesn’t last forever. 

My friend, who sent me the blog, reminded me “this is not your life, this is just your summer.”  I needed to hear that.  Of course, at that point, I couldn’t even look ahead to an entire day without feeling overwhelmed.  I broke it up into 10-15 minute sections to make it through.  While I don’t ever want to wish time away … I really couldn’t wait for today, September 1^st.    After burning through vacation time, sick time and FMLA … September 1^st would be my first day back to work.  My first day back to normal … or I hoped close.
Let me give you a visual of how things have changed ...
I posted the below picture on Facebook only days after we returned home.  The caption read " O.K. ... There are so many breakthroughs happening in this picture so I'll stick with the main two.
1 - James is OUTSIDE and I am INSIDE
2 - Henry is playing WITH James
... and I need to get off FB and enjoy this moment of solitude because who know how long it will last"

Today, Labor Day Weekend, daycare is closed, my mom flew into town to help us with the kids.  My husband and I are both at work … James (without either of us!) spent the day out at Smith Mountain Lake with my mom, his brother Henry and some friends of mine.   He’s SMILING!  He’s happy … and I’m NO where near him!

 There were days I really wasn’t sure this would ever happen, yet here we are, just over 2 months from our “Gotcha Day” and it’s happening!  Not a lot … but I’ll take what I can get!    

So how did I get here?

*We enlisted the help of an attachment counselor

* Family, friends, family, friends, family, friends … over and over again.

*Vitamins (because I didn't eat a lot)

First … the attachment counselor.

We met with him before we even left for China.  He helped us with what to expect, that all kids grieve, but in different ways – so our little guy might go into withdrawal, or he might be a fighter.  James … we soon found out is a fighter.  Thankfully no screaming or kicking in front of the orphanage staff on “Gotcha Day” … but plenty of it since.   Advice we got … stay calm.  The two year old is clearly out of control and is desperately looking to you to be in control, so if you freak out, he’s gonna think, what the heck – who’s in charge around here?!

Next, family and friends … when I was up at all hours of the night with a stressed out toddler who searched for his “momma” but hesitantly came to me only because I was the least scary person in his life at this point … I just waited for the sun to rise, knowing other humans would eventually be awake and they included family and friends who would help me get through the day.  Friends brought me dinner, essential oils to calm James as I massaged him, my cousins took my 5 year old to the family beach vacation for an entire week because I worried if I went, it would throw James into a spiral … the list goes on and on.  

Oh, and let those family and friends into your “cocoon.”  Everyone talked about how important it was to cocoon – don’t let anyone else hold your child, feed your child, etc.  Only the three of us, Henry, Curt or I should feed James to establish we are his parents, his brother, his primary caregivers.  I get it.  I think the concept works.  At times, I had to force myself to do it when I could see James’ stress level elevating.  BUT don’t get too wrapped up in it.  At times I would refuse help because I was so worried I would mess up the whole “cocooning” thing.  If you need a break, and someone offers to feed the child… take it.  For all that is good and holy – give yourself a break … your sanity will thank you.

OK, onto my crazy vitamin drinks …

At 5 a.m., after a night of no sleep, and James was up for good, I Google searched such topics as “surviving sleep deprivation,” “toddlers and jet lag,” and “how long is a toddler’s memory” in hopes James might soon forget all that caused him stress.  I found several articles – some telling me how sleep deprivation killed lab mice.  Thanks.  I didn’t ask how bad sleep deprivation was, I knew that!  I asked how to survive it.  Then I found some information on how sleep deprivation throws your cortisol levels (stress hormones) all out of whack, and how vitamin C can help even it out.  These two articles I found particularly interesting …

http://www.peaktestosterone.com/How_Survive_Sleep_Deprivation.aspx

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200304/vitamin-c-stress-buster

I immediately headed to the drug store and bought that “Emergen-C” powder drink (choose whichever vitamin c supplement you like) and drank one every afternoon.  I also started drinking the “It Works!” Greens powdered drink (more vitamins) in the morning and, whether it’s mental or not, I really started to feel better.  I’m sure it helped put much-needed vitamins in my body, since eating had taken a back seat to stress.

So, back to today … it’s September 1^st … I’m here!  We made it!  I’m well aware the “First Year Home” is full of ups and downs, accomplishments and setbacks.  In fact, James has cleft palate surgery looming in the distance.  But after seeing how far this family has come in just two months, I know we can handle what’s to come.

I remember being told in China that “these kids are survivors.”  James is a survivor, and so is my family.  We are a perfect match.

We’ve got this.

Hong Kong - June 20, 2014

We made it to our final city!

... And while our stay here in Hong Kong is way to short - we are finally bringing James home!!!

We got in around 8 pm yesterday and got a cab to Victoria Peak which over looks the city.  It was beautiful! ... And unbelievably hot and HUMID.  

 With each flight we have gotten closer and closer to the equator, but this morning - our flight takes us home!!  And it's the morning James has decided to sleep!  Seriously though, who wouldn't?  This is one of the most comfortable beds yet ... And with no crib, he slept with us all night.

I absolutely love what I've seen in Hong Kong ... so we will have to come back and spend more time.

Until then ... we got what we came for :) 

 Goodbye China!

Last full day in Guangzhou - June 18, 2014

Our time is wrapping up in Guanzhou and that means we are almost home.  We met some great people this week, and are part of a group that involves four families.  It's the first time since we left the states, that we've run into people from back home.  ... home being a loose term for anywhere in the U.S.

One family is from the same adoption agency as us - All God's Children International, and the other two families are from Gladney.   One family is from Missouri, we and another family are from Virginia, and another will be moving from New Jersey to Richmond, VA in July.

Two of the families had their U.S Consulate meetings yesterday and today it is our turn, along with another family.   

... and that is it.  The final piece of paperwork here in China.  

Once this morning's appointment is over, we wait for the turn around on James' visa and we head home!  It's kinda funny how this process reminds me of birthing a child.  For 9 months, I feared how Henry would be birthed ... I wasn't a fan of any of the options (after searching, apparently labor or c-section really ARE the only two options)  but when it came time ... my fear was gone, because I was SO ready to be done.  This time around, I have dreaded the 15 1/2 hour flight back home to the U.S. with a 2 year old ... but now that it has come time ... I am SO ready.

The group of families in the photo are friends we made this final week in Guangzhou.  We got shuttled together all week ... to the dreaded medical day, fun and sweat at the Guangzhou Zoo, Shamian Island, and dinner with Jack, one of our Guangzhou guides, at a local Chinese restaurant.  He ordered ... and we ate.  It was delicious.  Can't lie though, I was a wee bit nervous when I realized the fish head sitting on ice when we arrived, was gone when we left.  The less you think about what you are eating - the better.

On our final night, with all four families still here (two families leave a day earlier) we all decided to go back for one more meal at the local Chinese joint.  It was quite humorous ... we called Jack on the phone once we arrived, and he ordered for us.

We had one more spectacular Chinese meal, in which we realized all our kids ate like they had never seen food before.  James double fisted broccoli, devouring almost the entire serving for the whole table.

Looks like we will all need to find ... and learn ... how to cook up some Chinese home cooking.

Henry - June 17, 2014

While we take a three week "world tour" of China ... We left Henry back home in Cincinnati with family. We get constant picture updates and skype every few days.

I'm pretty sure he will be bored out of his mind when we get back home, and head back to Roanoke.  There's nothing cooler than hanging with your big cousins.  

He went to a soccer party with Colin's soccer team.

He apparently also made fast friends with a little boy, William, a family friend of Beth and Ken's.  A friendship that also spawned a few good quotes ... "William, if you hide up here, your dad won't be able to find you, and you won't have to go!" ... as William's dad walked into the backyard.   Then upon being invited to eat at William's "I would stay and eat with you, but you're having that, and not pizza."

Aunt Beth brought him to the Lego store where he got some loot for being a great house guest and a good big brother.  "Best store ever."  ... Looks like we'll have to make a return trip.

He has told us, once we return, he plans to bring us to Holtmans, an awesome donut shop in Over The Rhine, and finally, bring Curt to Putz Ice Cream.  It's basically a creamy whip my sister and I went to as kids, her kids now go, Henry has gone, but Curt has somehow never managed to get there himself.  Henry promised Curt TWO trips.

I really thought this trip would be unbelievably difficult, being away from Henry, for three weeks ... but his constant humor has made it much easier, knowing he's so happy.

So while he's busy keeping everyone on their toes back home, we are working on getting back soon.

Cheese Glorious Cheese - June 14, 2014

I HEART Guangzhou.

Let me just tell you ... I have made through HALF a day without dodging drivers as I walk down the sidewalk.  And at the breakfast buffet this morning ... there was cheese, REAL cheese ... Smoked Gouda, Cheddar, Brie etc. the list goes on.  

Ahhhhhh, sigh :)

We got in late last night.  Walking through the lobby here is surreal.  Everywhere you look ... American couples with Chinese babies.  It's like a scene out of ... well, I don't know what.  Outside of our friends from Holland, who we met in Fuzhou, this is the first time we've talked with westerners since we got here.

James had his medicals today.  It was a 3 step process.  The first two, of which, we could be with him ... height, weight, temperature, etc.  the last step was taking blood from his little arm for tuberculosis testing.   ... And that he had to brave alone. :(   As soon as I handed him over, I dove out of sight, as the tears came instantly for my little dude.   It was quick and he was back in our arms again.  He cried, stretched out that tiny arm at us, to show the bandaid on his inside elbow then buried his head into my chest and cried a bit more.  He seemed to recover quickly ... but it was at nap time, that it was obvious today set him back.  He WAILED, crying, and screaming Mama!  Mama! (not for me) and it took forever  until he finally fell asleep.

Glad the medicals are out of the way, tomorrow is touring Shamian Island, a fun day ... No appointments, no doctors, no needles.

Hello Guangzhou - June 13, 2014

Just busted into the mini bar.  I don't care how much this beer costs ... it's been a day.  ... and it tastes so good,  even these $7 Pringles are heaven.

A few hours ago I told a man yes, I still have blonde hair and yes, my eyes are still blue ... STOP staring for crying out loud.  Pretty sure he didn't hear me, or would even understand me ... but never stopped staring ... The - ENTIRE - plane ride.  An older woman at the Fuzhou airport literally tripped because, as she walked past me, she continued to stare/scowl back at me.  I decided a direct, clear Hello, as I looked directly back at her might work.  She didn't say hello back, but she turned away.  Mission accomplished.

If you're catching a theme here, yes ... I was ready to leave Fuzhou.  

And WOW am I in love with Guangzhou already.  Got in late tonight, haven't seen much, but the hotel lobby, and it's filled with people of all sorts of nationalities ... I no longer stand out. 

 Ahhhhhhh ... :)

We finally met up with the family we were "traveling with" from our adoption agency.  They adopted from a different province than we did, so we didn't meet up until now for the final week.  And wow did they have a week!  Their first day with their new 5 year old son ... at a park, and unbeknownst to them, he slips his foster parents phone number to a woman at the park and within minutes they are surrounded by police.  The mom told me she was shaking like crazy, trying to hold on tightly to her son, while some woman kept trying to pull him away from her.   She couldn't get her phone to dial out, to get in touch with our case manager and thought, this is it ... I'm not leaving China with my son.   Um ... Horrible.  It all got cleared up and they got a ride back to their hotel, compliments of the police.  The rest of the week, they stayed in their hotel room (shocker) and said the hotel manager had to remove the door knob from the inside to keep their son from walking away.  She and her husband are clearly AMAZINGLY resilient as they still have smiles on their faces.  They, too, are happy to no longer be in their adoption province.

All of that makes me feel less stressed about my nights with James ... which seem to be like a scene right out of The Shining, as I hold him firmly and sing Twinkle, Twinkle ... on repeat ... over and over again.   I'm beginning to be a pro at straight up creepy.   BUT ... It works.  He calms down and falls asleep.

So back to this million dollar beer from the mini bar.  Refreshing ... as this moment of bliss will be short lived.  Tomorrow is the medical day.  I've heard nothing good about it and our guide informed us, at one point, they will take James away from us - which will, no doubt, send him into a panic (as he is finally realizing we are his people) and will take blood from him for testing.

Awesome.

We meet in the lobby for that fun at 10 tomorrow morning,

For now, he is finally sleeping, and I'll just enjoy my cold beverage.

Hello Guangzhou.

Wrapping up in Fuzhou - June 12, 2014

We fly out tomorrow night for Guangzhou.  Can't say I'll miss much about Fuzhou, except for Margot and her family from Holland.  They adopted a 4 year old girl and we shared the same Gotcha Day and plenty of the same experiences here in Fuzhou ... from shopping at The Fuzhou Walmart to somehow surviving our crazy driver for the week.

I'm really glad we spent the first week in Beijing.  Rocky took us all over the city ... Showing us, teaching us, and feeding us the culture.  We visited the government run Jade Factory where they taught us how to distinguish real from fake jade, the silk workshop where we dropped plenty of cash, and even said he thought I had spent enough money and saved me from going to the pearl market! ... wise man.   He brought us to Tian'anmen Square, where we couldn't get within a mile radius without being asked to show our passports on multiple occasions (that whole 25th anniversary thing had people a bit tense) ... He brought us to the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, dropped us off at a Tea House for a Chinese Tea ceremony, etc etc ... LOVED all of it.

Then we got to Fuzhou.

Awesome, of course, because this is where we got James.  But wow ... we've gotten little taste of the culture ... but the culture got plenty of tastes from us... The mosquitos are horrendous.  Any adoptions in the Fujian Province must go through the capital - Fuzhou.  The adoption center/office here has only two women, Maggie and Ring, who act as guides - and one driver.  ...for all of the Fujian Province adoptions.  Accordingly, they have little time to play guide, as they are busy taking care of all the necessary paperwork to make the adoption final before we leave the province.   There was an attempt ... Panda World ... at sharing the local flavor.  It included about 6 pandas, several red pandas, and about 402,931 mosquitos. 

 The next day, Margot's family went (we flip flopped Panda World and orphanage trip days ... as their daughter was from a different orphanage) ... Anyway, they told us they asked Ring if there was anything else to see, and she brought them to Old Fuzhou, which they loved.  So we asked Maggie, and she brought us today.  It was really cool, and we told her they should add it to the list of things they do with families while they are in town.  Not sure how she took our unsolicited advice ... But hoping she seriously considers it.

 She also said Fuzhou is known for its gardens - it would have also been nice to visit one of those.  But again, with only 2 of them, I get it's hard play guide and organize paperwork all week.

While in Beijing, I felt like we were learning the culture and enjoying everything around us.  Fuzhou (until today when we toured Old Fuzhou) feels more foreign ... The fact I couldn't understand anyone, and they couldn't understand me felt more emphasized here.  There is a beautiful boardwalk near the hotel, but you can walk it with a 2 year old, only so far.  And the stares ... some with smiles, some with scowls, did begin to tire me.

Tomorrow, it's onto Guangzhou, where I hope it will be more like Beijing - things to do.

We get James' Chinese passport tomorrow afternoon at 3:30, then make the hour drive back to the airport.  It'll be James' first time on a plane.  Fuzhou is where he officially became our son.   In Guangzhou, (location of the U.S. Consulate) he becomes a U.S. citizen and we get his exit visa.

Margot and her family head to Beijing, where the Dutch Embassy is located.  Since we've been here, we made a wonderful friend in Rocky and now Margot and her family.  It's a shame Beijing and Holland aren't all that close to Virginia :). ... Guess that's what Skype, email, and Facebook are for ... right?