Ah sweet September 1st you are here.
I made it.
Give me a moment – I just want to look at that line and
soak it in. I. made. it. …and it feels sooo good.
Today is my first day back to work full-time after a
summer on adoption leave.
I wanted to blog about the last couple of months, because
I have come to realize no one really talks about the stress that comes with
adoption. Sure it involves years of
paperwork, tear-inducing deadlines and tens of thousands of dollars in many
cases – but when that child comes home and the stress from the adjustment and
transition hit – it’s HARD … and it’s OK to admit it’s not all sunshine and roses … I, for one, never once
saw a rainbow or any unicorns.
My husband and I love our sons Henry and James with all
our hearts. James, our youngest, joined
our family this summer when we adopted him in China June 8, 2014 … “Gotcha Day”
as most people refer to it.
Before I share the past couple of months of my life, I
want to list our accomplishments …
*James is now willing to leave my side
*He now goes to his father with open arms
*Both my boys will sit on my lap TOGETHER
*I no longer have to hold James down as he screams
“Momma!” until he is hoarse.
… and that “momma”
he screamed for – wasn’t me.
*James now only gets up ONCE during the night, and has
actually SLEPT THROUGH the night on occasion!
So. This summer
was hard … extremely hard. … emotionally
draining and sleep depriving.
Our son, James, turned two in April. We met him and brought him home in June. He had spent most of his life in a foster
home – to him, his family. Now, he had
to go with these strangers he had never met, who didn’t look like anyone around
him, didn’t eat the same foods, and who spoke in sounds which sound nothing
like his native Mandarin language.
We brought home a son who wouldn’t go to his father,
stayed awake most of the night, only to be consoled by me, and the worst - wouldn’t
let my 5 year old son, Henry, get anywhere near me. I felt isolated. I was exhausted, and I had an overwhelming, intense
desire to go back to the way it once was … when I could freely play in the
backyard with Henry, or when we didn’t have to escape to the nearest park just
so my 5 year old could sit on my lap without being pinched or shoved off.
After all the work I had done, all the paperwork and deadlines met … James
was home!! … and I began to doubt if our
family would survive.
I wanted to wait to blog about this until I wasn’t so
deep in the woods. I’m not out yet … but
I can finally form sentences again, smile, and see that light shining out there
in the open field. (Heck, there might even be that elusive unicorn streaking
rainbows across the sky out there)
A friend who had “gone before me “ – sent me this blog … http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/after-the-airport
… it’s about the hardships parents face
once they are home with their newly adopted child. My friend said it was hard to find blogs, or really
anything in writing about the reality of the stress of adoption … that needs to
end.
In the blog, the mom refers to it as “after the airport”
… and man, does it hit hard. Please
know, if you find yourself deep in the stress of those first days after the
airport … know this – it is NOT the “new normal.” That time after your big welcome home from
the airport is simply about survival. Sure,
a lucky few might see those rainbows and unicorns, but for those who don’t – it
doesn’t last forever.
My friend, who sent me the blog, reminded me “this is not
your life, this is just your summer.” I needed to hear that. Of course, at
that point, I couldn’t even look ahead to an entire day without feeling
overwhelmed. I broke it up into 10-15 minute
sections to make it through. While I don’t ever want to
wish time away … I really couldn’t wait for today, September 1st. After
burning through vacation time, sick time and FMLA … September 1st
would be my first day back to work. My
first day back to normal … or I hoped close.
Let me give you a visual of how things have changed ...
I posted the below picture on Facebook only days after we returned home. The caption read " O.K. ... There are so many breakthroughs happening in this picture so I'll stick with the main two.
1 - James is OUTSIDE and I am INSIDE
2 - Henry is playing WITH James
... and I need to get off FB and enjoy this moment of solitude because who know how long it will last"
Let me give you a visual of how things have changed ...
I posted the below picture on Facebook only days after we returned home. The caption read " O.K. ... There are so many breakthroughs happening in this picture so I'll stick with the main two.
1 - James is OUTSIDE and I am INSIDE
2 - Henry is playing WITH James
... and I need to get off FB and enjoy this moment of solitude because who know how long it will last"
Today, Labor Day Weekend, daycare is closed, my mom flew into town to help us with the kids. My husband and I are both at work … James (without either of us!) spent the day out at Smith Mountain Lake with my mom, his brother Henry and some friends of mine. He’s SMILING! He’s happy … and I’m NO where near him!
There were days I really wasn’t sure this would ever
happen, yet here we are, just over 2 months from our “Gotcha Day” and it’s happening! Not a lot … but I’ll take what I can get!
So how did I get here?
*We enlisted the help of an attachment counselor
* Family, friends, family, friends, family, friends …
over and over again.
*Vitamins (because I didn't eat a lot)
First … the attachment counselor.
We met with him before we even left for China. He helped us with what to expect, that all
kids grieve, but in different ways – so our little guy might go into withdrawal, or he
might be a fighter. James … we soon
found out is a fighter. Thankfully no
screaming or kicking in front of the orphanage staff on “Gotcha Day” … but
plenty of it since. Advice we got …
stay calm. The two year old is clearly
out of control and is desperately looking to you to be in control, so if you
freak out, he’s gonna think, what the heck – who’s in charge around here?!
Next, family and friends … when I was up at all hours of
the night with a stressed out toddler who searched for his “momma” but
hesitantly came to me only because I was the least scary person in his life at
this point … I just waited for the sun to rise, knowing other humans would
eventually be awake and they included family and friends who would help me
get through the day. Friends brought me
dinner, essential oils to calm James as I massaged him, my cousins took my 5
year old to the family beach vacation for an entire week because I worried if I went, it would throw James into a spiral … the list goes on and on.
Oh, and let those family and friends into your “cocoon.” Everyone talked about how important it was to
cocoon – don’t let anyone else hold your child, feed your child, etc. Only the three of us, Henry, Curt or I should
feed James to establish we are his parents, his brother, his primary caregivers. I get it.
I think the concept works. At
times, I had to force myself to do it when I could see James’ stress level
elevating. BUT don’t get too wrapped up
in it. At times I would refuse help
because I was so worried I would mess up the whole “cocooning” thing. If you need a
break, and someone offers to feed the child… take it. For all that is good and holy – give yourself
a break … your sanity will thank you.
OK, onto my crazy vitamin drinks …
At 5 a.m., after a night of no sleep, and James was up
for good, I Google searched such topics as “surviving sleep deprivation,” “toddlers
and jet lag,” and “how long is a toddler’s memory” in hopes James might soon
forget all that caused him stress. I
found several articles – some telling me how sleep deprivation killed lab
mice. Thanks. I didn’t ask how bad sleep deprivation was, I
knew that! I asked how to survive
it. Then I found some information on how
sleep deprivation throws your cortisol levels (stress hormones) all out of
whack, and how vitamin C can help even it out. These two articles I found particularly interesting
…
I immediately headed to the drug store and bought that “Emergen-C”
powder drink (choose whichever vitamin c supplement you like) and drank one
every afternoon. I also started drinking
the “It Works!” Greens powdered drink (more vitamins) in the morning and, whether
it’s mental or not, I really started to feel better. I’m sure it helped put much-needed vitamins
in my body, since eating had taken a back seat to stress.
So, back to today … it’s September 1st … I’m
here! We made it! I’m well aware the “First Year Home” is full of
ups and downs, accomplishments and setbacks.
In fact, James has cleft palate surgery looming in the distance. But after seeing how far this family has come
in just two months, I know we can handle what’s to come.
I remember being told in China that “these kids are survivors.” James is a survivor, and so is my family. We are a perfect match.
We’ve got this.
LOVE! That. Is. all.
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